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I am definitely glad I went to burning man this year. It was a rough year, a strange year, but in the end a really meaningful year.
I suppose I haven't really officially said in LJ yet, so here goes...![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
avocado_tom and I broke up. We decided on the Friday before burning man, but at the time I was a bit too shellshocked to dump it all out on LJ. I still don't have the energy or wherewithal to go into a lot of detail, but sufficed to say it was mutual and amicable, and it's for the best. We both need time to be on our own, to do our own thing. His thing is here in Pittsburgh, and my thing is back in San Francisco. We love each other, but right now just isn't the time for us to be together. I'm sad to lose the possibility, but the honest truth is that it hasn't been working for a long time, and deciding to break up frees both of us to move on into a better place in our lives. Still, it is of course difficult to lose such a long-lasting relationship, and we're both exhausted and overwhelmed from the last year's struggle and hard work.
Leaving for burning man with that on my mind put me in a strange position. I arrived and was alternately giddy with the excitement of being single and returning to my home town, and exhausted and depressed about the loss of the relationship.
The first two nights on the playa were difficult and confusing. I found myself wondering why I was moving back to SF, why I had broken up with Tom, whether this whole path ahead would work or not. I spent a lot of time feeling alienated because I didn't have an art project, I didn't feel part of any one group. I was sick of explaining the breakup to everyone, and overwhelmed by all of the resultant emotions and conversations. Acquiring heat exhaustion on Wednesday didn't help matters, either. Thursday night I went out by myself to hand out chocolate, and it was surprisingly un-rewarding - nobody wanted to talk, nobody even asked my name. It was a difficult and painful experience, but I'm glad I did it nonetheless.
After two days of overwhelming weirdness and discontentment, on Friday everything finally clicked, and I finally felt at home. I spent the evening with my darlingheadlouse and various other pigs, DDI kids, etc. We roamed on the You Are That Pig art car for a while, visited the steampunk treehouse and ran into all of Death Guild (amusing moment: Gimpy Brian looking down at my corseted chest and saying "Morley, you're... you're.. a GIRL! When did that happen?). We walked all around, lost our bikes, borrowed bikes, climbed up into Big Rig Dig, danced our ASSES off to the fabulous DJ Friar Tuck at the Disorient bus, and experienced moment after moment of reconnection and love. It was exactly what I needed. I turned to Colin one point early in the evening and said "You know what I have for the first time in a LONG time? Confidence." And it's true - I felt as if I had finally regained a part of myself that has been missing for over a year now. That confidence is still shaky, but I know it's re-awakening. That gives me a LOT of hope for the future.
I am excited to get back to SF! And "excited" doesn't even come close to conveying how I feel. My heart is filled with a surge of joy and optimism, and it just feels _right_. I won't move for another 3 months at least - I have to take the engineering exam on October 27th here in Pittsburgh, and then I have to start job hunting etc. Plus, the longer I stay in Pittsburgh the more money I can save and the more experience I gain at my kickass job. Still, I am headed back in San Francisco some time in the next 3 to 8 months, and I am SO happy about that. Friday night it all gelled and it really struck me how lucky I am to have the community that I have back in the bay area. I am thrilled to have the opportunity to return to that community, to make art with people like Matt Blackwell and Nicole and Simran and CTP, to live in a city that I love and that I feel welcomes me for who I am, and to be who and where I need to be. Just, wow.
Burn night was also awesome, though in different ways. I got to watch the burn from the inner circle withspiderfiend, sfslim and headlouse. It was amazing to see the man from the front row, and to be surrounded by all of the incredibly motivated, dedicated and talented people who built him and built the city. It was strange to be in the inner circle during my first year *without* my own big art project in a long time - to some extent I felt like I didn't belong alongside all of the "people who make things". But at the same time, I felt extremely welcomed and appreciated by everyone around me, and that powerful feeling of connection made the burn extremely special. Everyone needs to have an off year, right? I was honored, at least, to be able to spend the burn with such fantastic people.
After the man burned, I lost my three compatriots in the hubub, but I returned to their camp for a quick nap and sure enough, they returned to find me. Huzzah for the intelligent move of meeting back at camp! Then we headed out to see Crude Awakening burn, which was of course awe-inspiring and BOOMriffic. Then I went to bed. Yay, bed!
The trip home from the playa was smooth and easy - I picked up a couple from Eugene, Oregon in the exodus line and gave them a ride to the airport, then got the car washed, then hopped on the plane. I was on the same flight as my roommate Claire and her mother, which worked out well - good conversation, good company, and a ride home.
I arrived home to a very snuggly and happy-to-see-me kitty. He seems to have gained some confidence in my time away - now he's more proactive about exploring the rest of the house. He's even been rather aggressive towards the other kitties. Go Spatula! Way to stand up for yourself :) He snuggled me awake this morning, which was lovely. I had missed him so.
And now, it's time to do laundry. God bless vinegar!
I suppose I haven't really officially said in LJ yet, so here goes...
avocado_tom and I broke up. We decided on the Friday before burning man, but at the time I was a bit too shellshocked to dump it all out on LJ. I still don't have the energy or wherewithal to go into a lot of detail, but sufficed to say it was mutual and amicable, and it's for the best. We both need time to be on our own, to do our own thing. His thing is here in Pittsburgh, and my thing is back in San Francisco. We love each other, but right now just isn't the time for us to be together. I'm sad to lose the possibility, but the honest truth is that it hasn't been working for a long time, and deciding to break up frees both of us to move on into a better place in our lives. Still, it is of course difficult to lose such a long-lasting relationship, and we're both exhausted and overwhelmed from the last year's struggle and hard work.Leaving for burning man with that on my mind put me in a strange position. I arrived and was alternately giddy with the excitement of being single and returning to my home town, and exhausted and depressed about the loss of the relationship.
The first two nights on the playa were difficult and confusing. I found myself wondering why I was moving back to SF, why I had broken up with Tom, whether this whole path ahead would work or not. I spent a lot of time feeling alienated because I didn't have an art project, I didn't feel part of any one group. I was sick of explaining the breakup to everyone, and overwhelmed by all of the resultant emotions and conversations. Acquiring heat exhaustion on Wednesday didn't help matters, either. Thursday night I went out by myself to hand out chocolate, and it was surprisingly un-rewarding - nobody wanted to talk, nobody even asked my name. It was a difficult and painful experience, but I'm glad I did it nonetheless.
After two days of overwhelming weirdness and discontentment, on Friday everything finally clicked, and I finally felt at home. I spent the evening with my darling
headlouse and various other pigs, DDI kids, etc. We roamed on the You Are That Pig art car for a while, visited the steampunk treehouse and ran into all of Death Guild (amusing moment: Gimpy Brian looking down at my corseted chest and saying "Morley, you're... you're.. a GIRL! When did that happen?). We walked all around, lost our bikes, borrowed bikes, climbed up into Big Rig Dig, danced our ASSES off to the fabulous DJ Friar Tuck at the Disorient bus, and experienced moment after moment of reconnection and love. It was exactly what I needed. I turned to Colin one point early in the evening and said "You know what I have for the first time in a LONG time? Confidence." And it's true - I felt as if I had finally regained a part of myself that has been missing for over a year now. That confidence is still shaky, but I know it's re-awakening. That gives me a LOT of hope for the future.I am excited to get back to SF! And "excited" doesn't even come close to conveying how I feel. My heart is filled with a surge of joy and optimism, and it just feels _right_. I won't move for another 3 months at least - I have to take the engineering exam on October 27th here in Pittsburgh, and then I have to start job hunting etc. Plus, the longer I stay in Pittsburgh the more money I can save and the more experience I gain at my kickass job. Still, I am headed back in San Francisco some time in the next 3 to 8 months, and I am SO happy about that. Friday night it all gelled and it really struck me how lucky I am to have the community that I have back in the bay area. I am thrilled to have the opportunity to return to that community, to make art with people like Matt Blackwell and Nicole and Simran and CTP, to live in a city that I love and that I feel welcomes me for who I am, and to be who and where I need to be. Just, wow.
Burn night was also awesome, though in different ways. I got to watch the burn from the inner circle with
spiderfiend, sfslim and headlouse. It was amazing to see the man from the front row, and to be surrounded by all of the incredibly motivated, dedicated and talented people who built him and built the city. It was strange to be in the inner circle during my first year *without* my own big art project in a long time - to some extent I felt like I didn't belong alongside all of the "people who make things". But at the same time, I felt extremely welcomed and appreciated by everyone around me, and that powerful feeling of connection made the burn extremely special. Everyone needs to have an off year, right? I was honored, at least, to be able to spend the burn with such fantastic people.After the man burned, I lost my three compatriots in the hubub, but I returned to their camp for a quick nap and sure enough, they returned to find me. Huzzah for the intelligent move of meeting back at camp! Then we headed out to see Crude Awakening burn, which was of course awe-inspiring and BOOMriffic. Then I went to bed. Yay, bed!
The trip home from the playa was smooth and easy - I picked up a couple from Eugene, Oregon in the exodus line and gave them a ride to the airport, then got the car washed, then hopped on the plane. I was on the same flight as my roommate Claire and her mother, which worked out well - good conversation, good company, and a ride home.
I arrived home to a very snuggly and happy-to-see-me kitty. He seems to have gained some confidence in my time away - now he's more proactive about exploring the rest of the house. He's even been rather aggressive towards the other kitties. Go Spatula! Way to stand up for yourself :) He snuggled me awake this morning, which was lovely. I had missed him so.
And now, it's time to do laundry. God bless vinegar!
